Welcome

Welcome to my blog! I am so excited to share my creation and inner processing with you ❤ Where to start? Firstly, I love to blog 🙂 Topics include my experiences, processing and evolving thoughts on... my miscarriage grief and trying to conceivenarcissistic experiences [daughter of narcissist]histories of sexual violence and witnessing domestic violence and … Continue reading Welcome

baby anti-racism steps

I wanted to acknowledge the powerful revolution that we are a part of right now. Because we are a part of it. Even if we choose to disengage... perhaps particularly then. I have been on my anti-racism journey for a good few years now, and I still have a lifetime of work to go. However, … Continue reading baby anti-racism steps

Addiction and love.

Dear my dear, An Addict, I see you.I see the pain you are in.  I see the heartbreaking and soul crushing things that have happened in your life, happened to you.  I see the unimaginable pain and loss you have gone through. Things the human heart can barely hold. I see how and why and … Continue reading Addiction and love.

Past friendships. Present dreams.

There was this girl. We'll call her Friend. Friend and I went to daycare together, when we were about 3 or something. We went to primary school together. And we went to high school together. We should have been closer. Maybe? If all the fairytales are true. I used to walk from my house, to … Continue reading Past friendships. Present dreams.

Owning my darkness

I have had two of my friends loose babies in the last few weeks, and another grapple with probably not falling pregnant again.  I reached out to them all. I wanted to know that I have seen that darkness, I had been there. In that specific darkness. And I could help hold the light, and … Continue reading Owning my darkness

Psychiatrist appointment.

"the anxiety and depression is a symptom, like a headache, not the cause"... no shit Sherlock. (exasperated sarcasm) ~-~-~ She asked some weird questions. "How did [the abuse] happen? Was she coming home from work tired? Were you a problem child? A difficult child?" What the actual fuck. ~-~-~ She asked me to describe my … Continue reading Psychiatrist appointment.

Because I loved her.

My psychologist asked me why I was so hypervigilant about not becoming nm. Because I loved her. That's why. I adored her. And she hurt me. ~.-.~.-.~.-.~ I remember when I was in pre-school, we had been learning about jobs and work, so parents would come in showing off what they do for work. Nm … Continue reading Because I loved her.

Striving as escapism

My time-honoured and society-awarded strategy for dealing with life is to strive. It sounds healthy and proactive on the surface. But ruffle those feathers even the slightest amount and you find it is just coded escapism. Like all strategies it served me well, and served its purpose. In primary school, the striving was for love … Continue reading Striving as escapism

Increasing Antidepressants.

I'm increasing my medication.  Under doctor supervision and suggestion.  And I've realised that I still have medication stigma ingrained in me. I am on holidays now, so it seems like a weird time to increase the dosage. But maybe that's best. My husband will be home, so if I have any symptoms, he'll be able … Continue reading Increasing Antidepressants.

Arguments go differently in my head.

I am articulate. Eloquent. Concise. Considered. stumbling, tongue-tied, inarticulate. I just got into an argument with BossLady. We have differing views on quite a few things. But usually her views come via my husband, rather than straight from her. They are even more intense and passionate coming straight from her. In my mind I search … Continue reading Arguments go differently in my head.