Yoga. I really need to vent.
I really enjoy yoga.
I find it challenging, refreshing, testing, soothing, and at times, renewing.
It is one of the few things that makes all the voices in my head stop.
I like the person I am during yoga. I like the space of yoga. I like the metaphors of yoga.
I love the philosophy of yoga. I love the history and the ancient texts. I love the yamas and niyamas. I love the concepts of ishvara pranidhana. I love the introspection of self and the ‘human condition’. Love it. Love. Love. LOVE IT.
But it’s not the only thing.
It’s not the only way to find meaning.
It’s not the only rehabilitating form of exercise.
It’s not the only way to calm talkative and anxious voices in one’s head.
And it’s not the only thing going on in my life.
I am at the beginning of my second year of a two year yoga teacher training [YTT].
And I’m definitely not the person I was when I started, and definitely not the same as when I applied for YTT.
There was absolutely magnetism with this path. There was a huge pull. For whatever reason. But pull or not, I’m over you yoga!
I’m over having to spend 4 hours a weekend in classes — because my work that i do to actually pay the bills and the classes and all the petrol to get there – means that I am in a special case of missing both the early classes and the late classes. And don’t even get me started on the daytime classes.
I’m over the fact that that isn’t enough.
I’m over the observations and assists. I’m over the need for constant study. I’m over the learning of a second language – with so much depth to it – that almost any interpretation is guaranteed to be decently misinterpreted. I’m over the guilt when I choose to sleep in – rather than study or go to class. I’m over the pain of feeling ‘less than’ in class ( i know that is a ‘me’ thing and not a ‘yoga’ thing). I am so SO over the hour drive into class. I’m over the hour or more drive into YTT on three days in a row. I’m over YTT taking up so much time on my weekends. And definitely all my mental and emotional stores. I’m over all the mums doing YTT with me who are so cliché – dropping children off at school, and off they go to yoga. Either not working at all, or working minimally “you know, just to do something, you really need to do something”. I’m over their rich husbands financing all the classes and retreats and equipment and books. I’m over their space within their world to balance family and yoga and self.
But what I’m most over… loosing some of the magic of yoga.
I miss being in class and just enjoying it.
Yes absolutely studying YTT is totally about learning, understanding and moving deeper. And obviously I [mostly] gathered that a good yoga class didn’t just float down to the teacher whilst she was in her preparatory meditation. But I find that I am so critical.
And so angry.
Angry that they haven’t warmed us up enough. Angry that the standing poses went for too long. Angry that the standing poses didn’t go for long enough. Angry at myself for my lack of pro-yoga-ness. Angry that the mat is so thin. Angry that the teacher is still talking. Angry that the teacher isn’t talking. Angry that the teacher is more focused on doing the poses than leading a class. ANGRY. Or maybe irritated. Or maybe both. Angritated.
Yoga we were a thing. But I’m over you.
I don’t want to break up entirely. I just need you to know that it’s too much right now.
I really need to hang onto the magic that is still there – because I’m scared that if I keep pushing, I’ll push it all away.
I worry about the space I’ll be in after this year – and pushing working two jobs, running my own business, studying, yoga-ing, observing, assisting etc etc … and heaven forbid continuing a relationship with my husband. Ahhhhhhh! But it will be done. Or not. Because I’m so behind on my quota of classes.
Yoga, that is all for now.