because self destruction is a thing. it happens in small steps.

So I have just spent the last 30 minutes instagram-ing someone I went to high school with. I’m not even on instagram!!

Why do I do this?

Why do I compare myself to every. other. person.!!

Why do I spend time hating on myself?

Why source out things that make me hate myself?

 

But like… why does everyone else seem more together?

Achieved more, seen more, living more, loving more, reading more, earning more, meditating more, wisdom-sprouting more.

More. More. More.

And I actually woke up this morning and had a  “Yay. No meaningless question circling my head sure to decide the fate of the entire planet right now” moment. And this isn’t about anxiety, or mental illness. But wait… the endless circling has arisen.

Because like, screw that. Screw the “oh, well, you are… you know… [hushed voice] mentally… not-as-healthy-as-some-people-are-at-some-points-in-their-lives” platitudes.

I don’t want my biggest achievement to be… that I’m alive. Whoop. Haven’t killed anyone today guys. Successfully woke up. Fed someone or something – pet cats totally count. Today’s goals = achieved. Like… that’s not how I see myself.

I want to thrive.

I also really want to know if you have so many blog post reads. Do you? Do you really?

Self destruction is these like… tiny steps and actions that are repeated and become patterns. And I do them. I am voluntarily hurting myself by comparing myself to Facebook and Instagram … but I do it. Over and over again.

I say hurtful things about myself. Over and over again.

Why?

 

 

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