So today has been a big day.
A big day from a big week.
I found out on Monday that I was carrying my first offspring.
This morning I found blood.
I freaked out. I called my husband, who said he’d only stay at work an hour longer and come home (but ended up coming home straight away – on the insistence of his work colleagues).
That’s when I noticed the compassion.
People that I’d only met once (or not at all) were advocating for me. They were sending my husband home to see me. Making their day harder – because their boss wasn’t in…
My darling husband came home. He curled up in bed with me. Where I’d been since the find. He hugged me. I cried. I think he cried too. We connected. I didn’t feel any blame from him, although I was searching – ready to hang it on myself. As if I had done something inherently wrong. He hugged me tighter. We fell asleep exhausted. His compassion was gentle, and all encompassing.
I messaged my friend. She is my fountain of knowledge mixed with infinite love and wisdom. She is gentle and honest. Loving and thoughtful. She reassured me, then let me freak out as the blood continued. She offered to come over.
We went to the doctor. I was struggling to hear what was being said, and desperately trying to remember what I was being told to do. I went off to have my blood test done. But I was sure something had been missed. I went in my confused state to the reception desk. The lady looked at my file, listened carefully to what I was saying, asked some questions and smiled gently. Her compassion was the “I’ve got this for you” kind. She told me to stay there, as she found the doctor (because the doctor wasn’t picking up the phone). She found out what the doctor had said, and what my instructions were. The lady hurried back to me, calmly and lovingly giving me a piece of paper with my instructions on it. Take care my dear. She said with such beautiful love. This loving stranger that I had only just met. Thank you.
I messaged another one of my dear friends. She too sent me love and reassurance.
I was pretty lost. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything. Hungry? Hot? Tired? Female? I really wasn’t sure.
Cue the arrival of my first friend, her dear husband and her gorgeous bumpkins. They bought food. Arrived at my house – laid it out. Fed their children, set them up with a movie, then turned to me. They organised a plate for me. And for themselves. They got drinks and anything else they needed. I couldn’t remember how to get to my own bathroom. They sat me down, and gently started to unwrap some pretty confused, scared, and overwhelmed feelings. Their compassion was the “what you’re going through is so shit. we got you” kind. And it was so SO humbling. Slowly I began to feel more human. I could pretend paint my dog with Spunky Monkey. Gasp at work boots with Surprising Snake-Hunter.
And back to bed I went.
I got an email asking for handover details of a student of mine. I politely emailed back an “of course” with a sentence description explaining why it won’t happen this weekend; but most definitely next week. I got this heart felt apology and connection. Compassion. Acknowledgement.
And right now, as I type my sisters are on their way over to feed me and love me.
I am honoured at all of this love and compassion. I really needed it today. I needed the receptionist to read my file and go that extra mile for me today. I needed the friend to drive decently far to feed me and her kids. I need to be nurtured right now.
And I’m not even saying any of this out of attention-seeking-ness. I didn’t tell people for a reaction. I messaged two people that I was lost, and couldn’t see a way out. I told one person that I would be late on an expectation. I was truthful and honest. I was vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability you have why you are so close to being broken, and there is no time or energy or need for a facade. It fills me with so much hope and love that I was able to express this vulnerability – and have it met with such gentleness and compassion. Thank you my friends. Thank you my strangers. I really needed this compassion today. And I am humbled, honoured and awestruck at your presence, love, acceptance and support of me.