What not to say to someone who has just lost a baby. Or in the process of possibly loosing a baby.

So after the most life-sustaining, loving, and nourishing morning [cue previous post], I had a horrific experience. Cue this post.

Okay, wait. Before I start… no-one really knows ‘for certain’ if I have or haven’t lost a baby. The doctors have run tests. Medical professionals will be able to give me some idea of what is medically happening in my body in 12 hours or so. Before that, until then, and even after that … I’m the only one that knows what it feels like inside my body.

Don’t fucking try and tell me what is going on…

What not to say to someone who has just lost a baby [or thinks they might have]…

 

1. CONGRATULATIONS

I thought that one would have been fucking obvious.

Congratulations for what? Bleeding out of your uterus like 8 months early. Go me.
Loosing a baby?! Are you congratulating me for that?! Fuck you.

Oh, no. You’ll say that you’re congratulating me for falling pregnant. Well I’m really sorry if the first call that you got was “Hey I’m pregnant but bleeding and possibly not pregnant anymore”… it does not mean, under any circumstances that you ignore the second part of that sentiment. You purposefully ignore any joy or happiness you may be feeling about the first part and deliberately focus on the second part. That’s the reason you got the call.

And NEVER. SAY. CONGRATULATIONS. under. any. fucking. circumstance. seriously.

 

2. JUST THINK POSITIVE

Hmmm. Great. Thanks. But no. You think positive when you are having stabbing pains in your uterus and watching blood pour out of your vagina. You think positive when the doctor is looking at you with concern. You think positive when everything you are feeling and seeing and thinking is telling you that your baby is dying. Or dead. Possibly already dead. Or maybe you can do that, and you’re an amazing positive thinking human being. And even if you can do that, don’t tell anyone else to do that. Ever.

“I’m loosing my baby” – me. said through gut wrenching sobs after a toilet trip.
“Just think positive” – other person. said to me exactly after previous statement.

What?! Because thinking positive is going to deposit the uterus lining that I just wee-d down the toilet back up and sew it back? Because thinking positive is going to undo the hours of pain and discomfort? Because thinking positive is going to bring this baby back?

No.

‘Think Positive’ is an assertion towards a specific cognitive strategy, positive thinking. Positive thinking is great. It can psych you up for that job interview. It can highlight some wonderful experiences in your day. It can even reframe some not so pleasant experiences. But the ‘think positive’ message is also an epic cop out. What you are telling me is that my feelings and fears of this very real possibility are invalid. You are ignoring and suppressing my experience. You are telling me that the only feelings that are worth anything, or socially acceptable are the happy ‘positive’ ones, the ones that are hopeful. But I am a whole and complete being already. Everything I feel is valid. And right now, looking at the data in front of me, I say that statistically, mathematically and fucking emotionally – now is a time to feel. Not think. And it feels really really shitty.

It’s not enlightened thinking. It is suppressive, controlling, dismissive and rude.

Hope is a great thing. A wonderful thing. I wish you all the hope in the world. But if I have lost hope, I need empathy and compassion. Not a convoluted, cryptic and useless direction to possibly find fake hope so that I can be more socially acceptable to you.

 

3. I have a friend who has a friend who has an uncle has a dog who’s cousin’s aunty had this exact same thing happen… 

I don’t want to hear about other people’s shit. I really don’t. To be honest, I’m not dealing with my own.

I totally appreciate you explaining the facts. Yes some bleeding can be quite common. Some people seem to have normal periods. STOP THERE.

This doesn’t prove anything. Yes it is helpful. Honestly. It gives me this hope that I have stuck to my heart and clung to. I needed factual tidbits with very broad brush strokes. Notice the “some” and “can be” and what about “seem to”… all very gentle non offending phases.

And those needed to be said with full acknowledgement that it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I could be the first person in the history of people to bleed and loose a baby – but I’m not, which says it’s more of a possibility than you are letting on. And you being in denial actually stresses me out more – because you’re not letting me express or work through my fears or feelings.

Also – what you are saying may be of paramount importance to you, and normally I’d be honoured and grateful that you wanted to share it with me. Honestly. But now is not one of those times. Just because something is important to you, doesn’t mean it is important or relevant or even fucking polite to to say to me. Real shit happening.

 

4. WHY CAN’T YOU MAKE A DECISION? 

About dinner? Are you kidding? Because I don’t fucking care.
I’m not sure I want to wake up tomorrow – so sustaining my body is understandably low on the priority list.

I think I’m loosing my baby. This perfect part of me and of my perfect husband; this thing that is whole and loving and loved and holds the entirety of my heart. My fucking world is changing right now.

So no. I don’t care about dinner. Or breakfast. Or what you’re wearing. Or what I’m wearing. Or that I’m STILL in my pyjamas – after going to the doctors, chemist and shops in the same clothing. My brain is trying to process a massive event. Fuck you. No, I don’t care about dinner.

Which directly relates to my next point.

 

5. HMMMMM … THIS HOUSE / THIS DOG /THIS… [insert any comment about the state of my washing / dishes / floors / animals / humans within my house]

Sorry, but ah, who do you think you are – to comment on the levels of cleanliness of my house?

Firstly – at all?! Seriously! What the fuck! How dare you!

Secondly – at a time like this when, as I’ve previously discussed, my world is turning upside down.

The dishes (that were done, for the record) don’t matter in the slightest.
I don’t care if every single one of the dirty dishes …
or my clean dishes…
if any dish …
OR ANY THING in my entire house…
OR LIFE for that matter
– is dirty, broken, turns blue in the moonlight or is gone entirely.
I want my baby.
This baby that I had when I woke up.
I want that baby.
‘Things’ fail dismally in comparison.

So again, no, the house clean was not a priority. And I’m not ashamed about that. It’s been a hell of a week. And fuck you – for thinking that it should be a priority, or that you could chastise my husband for this.

~ And this, again, is something totally different to your friends coming over and washing your dishes, putting on a load of washing, or sweeping the floors. These are beautiful, loving and incredibly valuable gestures. But these gestures are only of any value when they are done out of love, compassion, empathy and understanding – to lighten the load of the person (and their handsome husband). Not out of anger or disgust. Real shit going on right now.  

I keep coming back to the first question – who do you think you are?!

And don’t even fucking mention the cats. I know I have cats. I can’t change their shit, because up until a few hours ago I was definitely pregnant. I shut the door. I’m not asking you to eat their shit. Or sit in there.  Or even go in there. Why are you going into rooms that are closed? You walked in because you wanted to see the progress in my laundry. Right now? Are you kidding me?

 

And my dog? You are scared of my dog? Sounds like a you problem.
Had him for 6 months. Not my problem that you have clearly not visited me in that long. Or won’t let us bring him to family functions because of your lack of dog training with your dogs. Don’t fucking mention the dog. Trust me, it’s you.

 

6. YOU NEED TO BE [happy / calm / quiet etc etc] FOR THE BABY. 

You know what my baby needs? Permission to feel it’s real feelings. You know how I’m going to give that to him/her… by modelling it. Right.now.

You know what my baby needs? To feel safe. And after I go to jail for kicking you in the face, it might not feel too safe.

You know what my baby needs? Me.

I totally get that being stressed is not the best situation for growing a baby. I also have seen statistics saying that not loosing a baby is also an essential need for that baby to survive [sarcasm here]. Yes I get that being calm is important, and happy is ideal. But right now I’m not. And that is okay too.

And following on from that, but in a slightly different take – no I don’t need to be happy that I’ve had a baby at all. I am allowed to feel bloody sad and absolutely devastated that I might be loosing this baby. Fuck your gratitude-for-this-experience bullshit. Look, I totally hope I get there at some point in the future. But we’ve already discovered that you, oh wise one are a much better human than I. So go, take your bullshit elsewhere. This fucking hurts.

 

7. BUT I CAME ALL OF THIS WAY. I REALLY NEED TO SEE YOU.

No you don’t.

I don’t care if you have driven 3 hours to come and see me.
I don’t care if I begged you to drive 3 hours to come and see me.
If you get here and I can’t handle it, or it’s too much – you need to go.
Granted it’s not the best, or most socially acceptable thing I could do.
[And to be honest, I’d feel so ridiculously terrible and guilty and horrible. It would almost have been easier to suffer through your presence – except it wasn’t if I asked you to leave. Does that tell you how bad it is for me right now?!]

But you didn’t. And I didn’t. You drove what my husband and I drive every few weeks to go to all of your functions and events. It’s not ‘just down the road’, but it’s also not far. And if it is too far, then don’t come. Save all your white knight bullshit for someone else.

And even if you did… this whole thing is about me.

I’m not here to make you okay with MY loss.

This is kind of big stuff happening in my world. Wait till it happens to you.

 

8. Now this one totally blows my mind. YOU DON’T NEED A BABY

What.the.actual.fuck!

“Call me if you need anything” – said by well meaning person as they were leaving.
“I need my baby” – me: sick of being ignored and suppressed the whole night.
“You don’t need a baby” – said by above asshole.

Oh fuck you!

There is just too much here.. I am too flabbergasted to even start with this one. So I’ll let my trusty word with F start me off.

What.the.FUCK! Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck off to wherever you came from on this lovely evening. Fuck your opinions. Fuck whoever values your opinions. Fuck your entitlement. Fuck your ideas about me and my baby. Fuck your ideas in general. Fuck your actions. Fuck this whole shitty situation.

Fuck you.

 

UPDATE: bubba gone. 😥

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2 thoughts on “What not to say to someone who has just lost a baby. Or in the process of possibly loosing a baby.

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