I have been so lucky to be on a beautiful, wonderful, painful, brutal, gut wrenching, life changing journey over this last month. And I wanted to share some of it.
I wanted to explore some yogic teachings – and the meaning I have come to, since pregnancy and miscarriage. There is so much meaning that can be made or taken or interpreted, and I could spend a whole lifetime exploring this. But for now, here are some tidbits.
There is this Buddhist and Yogic teaching [they are incredibly and intricately linked, Buddha was a yogi… so much more complexity to it, but they are linked], that the nature of suffering is based on the thoughts / feelings / interpretations of the action.
The action itself is not painful. It does not cause pain. It is not bad. Or good. It just is. The pain, and thus suffering comes with our identification with the thing, and totally our thoughts, feelings and interpretations of it. Totally. Pretty sure they even used ‘totally’ in the ancient texts. “identification with the thing is totally what causes it to hurt like f#(k.” True story. 😛 Okay, perhaps a slight creative licence, perhaps. 🙂
On Tuesday I had confirmation of pregnancy. Doctor certified, totally not all in my head, legitimate. I also had cramping. This cramping it was explained was Bubba squirrelling in. Finding his home.
This cramping bought me joy and happiness.
And some physical pain. But that pain was lovingly absorbed into a higher state.
On Friday, I had confirmation of miscarriage.
I also had cramping.
Only this time, the cramping was more painful. Physically and emotionally. Physically because of the emotional overlay. I had interpreted this sensation – which I have been feeling for the last 4 weeks – which was a positive and joyous experience THE DAY BEFORE. I had interpreted it to be Bubba leaving. And Bubba leaving was bad.
But maybe Bubba leaving isn’t bad. Maybe it isn’t good. Maybe it just is. And what is, is perfect and whole and complete. From a place beyond goodness and badness. Beyond polarity and within the state of Brahma, of Consciousness, of all encompassing love.
What I’m talking about here are the Kleshas.
- Avidya (ignorance)
- Asmita (Egoism)
- Raga (excessive attachment)
- Dvesa (excessive aversion)
- Abhinivesha (fear of death)
Kleshas are the 5 identified causes of affliction of pain – according to Patanjali. Buddhist teaching have the 3 unwholesome roots which combine these.
So like, it true style, I ticked all of those boxes. Asmita – it was my ego that gave meaning to this experience of pregnancy. Raga – oh epic attachment like you would not believe. I was not equanimous about this, in any way or at any time. And I’m not apologising for that. I’m just noticing it. Abhinivesha and Avidya are linked here for me. My ignorance of the true nature of the universe lead to a fear of death. It wasn’t my death. Or perhaps it was. A part of me has died in this experience. But this fear or death of Bubba. Like somehow that was the worse thing that could happen. And Dvesa, the aversion to the feeling of the ‘thing’ the cramping, the aversion was actually to the interpretation I had placed on the thing.
Now none of this is meant to be judging. In no way am I making a tally of the lashes I ‘deserve’ for not being more enlightened or more whatever. For me, this is about witnessing a profound and life changing event. And totally connecting it to my ideas about how the world works.
And right *now* this is an okay thing to do.
To look at the interplay of worlds and ideas and the meaning of such worlds and ideas.
I also know that when I finish this, I am going to watch the first video diary my husband and I made to Bubba when we had confirmation. And I expect that to hurt like a b!tch. And I don’t think I’ll be able to discuss Buddhist philosophy and psychology at that time. Or want to. AND I think that both experiences are valid and whole and complete.
So in no way am I saying to any mamma’s that have had this experience, or any experience – to get over it. Friends, that is SO far from what I’m saying! I’m saying that I have found meaning through the pain and the heartache. And the experience has helped me understand some philosophical points to a greater depth. And I wanted to share that.
Big loves to Bubba.