I’m not ready.
For forgiveness. At times; for joy. For happily playing along.
For any of it.
I’m channelling my inner Eminem and power house of Rihanna. And acknowledging the rage and pain.
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on.
Maybe we took this too far…
– Headlights, Eminem and Nate Reuss.
But I can’t forgive you your you-ness. If I had to grow and change and make decisions that hurt… and face life when life hurts… why don’t you? How do you get away with it? Narcissism was the easy path. You choose this. You choose to stay away from the pain. To not heal. And part of me kind’a knows that you’re sick. You have to be. What you did is not normal. And your complete denial and oblivion.
I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy
Well that’s not fair…
– The Monster, Eminem and Rhianna
I blame you for my mental state. The programming you gave me from birth. The self doubt. The self fear. The anxiety. The depression. The over analysing. The constant doubting and abuse.
And yet… I was never going to fit into this weirdly outdated societal construct. This brain doesn’t hold my totality, and thus it manifests as mental illness. And a huge part of me takes pride in that. In not being okay with the world as it is. I talk with the voices in my head. I am at peace with my monsters. And I so definitely don’t need saving. And it’s a bit of a big fuck you to all the people who want me to fit in and conform. In work. In play. In dress. In talk. In posts on blogs and face books. Nope, my dear. Nope.
And there is something so true and real and raw with Love The Way You Lie – Eminem & Rihanna…
Faded pictures on the wall – It’s like they talkin’ to me
Disconnecting all the calls – Your phone don’t even ring
I gotta get out – Or figure this shit out
It’s too close for comfort, oh.
It’s a thief in the night – To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you – And consume you
A disease of the mind – It can control you
I feel like a monster
– Disturbia, Rihanna
And yet, pride or no pride… I’m still stuck in my head. And I totally loose control sometimes… And the ability to function. And it’s from the inside. I am the monster. The darkness. The pictures on the wall. The judgements and the judges.
We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing’s incomplete
It’s easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we’re together, there’s no place I’d rather be
– Rather Be, Clean Bandit & Jess Glynne
And yet, amongst all the pain, the anger, the emptiness and fullness… I have found myself. Or some part. Some spark of inner fire that is so true and real and so god-damn precious. It keeps me diving back into the crazy, because it’s perfect. It’s the part of me that is the same as all the greats that have been and will be. The ancients and the prophets. A tiny eye-dropper of a drop in an insurmountable ocean of perfection. I love you little drop.