Text: How’s the baby making going?? *smiley face*

arghhhhhh!

Internal screams meets external eye-leakage.

I have SO many emotions going through my head and heart right now!

What do I tell her? Do I tell her anything? Do I tell her about the miscarriage? Do I tell her that I’m in the two-week-wait and totally not coping? – you know – the two week timeframe after ovulation and before a reliable pregnancy test result…

I feel *blahhh* but with a bit of ‘gh’ on the end… maybe “blahhhhghhhh”.

I almost feel like driving into a tree. Mostly not in an actual suicidal way… but like a – I have no idea how to let go and surrender any more that I currently am – kind of way.

I want to message or call a friend… but I have so few friends that know of this process. And I’m trying to not overload my main love because she has like… her own life, and her own stuff going on.

So tell more people I hear you say. Well that advice is stupid. Because the low numbers i.e. two friends, and my husband, is so that I don’t get crappy advice. You know, that advice that I would give. “Deep breaths, it’ll all work out” “it’s [insert name of supreme deity] plan” or the plain old shitty ones “oh really? I fell the first month on all 462 of my pregnancies don’t know what is wrong with you” “oh who want’s kids anyways?!”

I have been feeling SO positive this last week. Oh god, how has it only been a week?!! I’ve been SO excited! Like excitement off the charts. Like, go and buy baby stuff excited. And then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Maybe it’s not happening this month, remember you felt pregnant before. Stupid voice in my head. Stupid stupid stupid.

And maybe hormones and emotions and life is going a bit feral in my world.

Yah, maybe a symptom!

AHHHHH optimism! I’m not sure if I want to vomit from it, or because of it.

And my psych is so big on “seeing it all happening as you want it to”, and I actually feel like a failure for having this doubt. Like, somehow I’m to blame if I don’t fall pregnant (on top of the list of already mounting reasons) – ‘did not stay positive for long enough’.

And I just want to talk to people about it. About what is happening in the world. What is happening in my world. How the world works and why. And where to go from there. But so few people share my world view. And I’m sick of paying to see people who talk with me on the level that I want to converse on.

What can I do? Nothing. Let go. HOW?! Of what? Of my deepest heart’s desire? It’s really hard.

And I still don’t know how I’ll reply to that text.
Maybe I won’t.
Probably, I won’t.
Hhhmmmmmmm.

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