Only one line.

I just wee-d on a stick and there was only one line. I distinctly remember ordering two lines, and the baby that makes the two lines.

And I speak to a psych who was like “think positive about what you want, the universe only gives you what you want” – as if I’m not wanting this enough… or then she tells me I’m being too desperate, and thus it’s my fault that there is only one line on the stick. Add that to the already mounting list of reasons it’s my fault. Sorry husband, no child, I didn’t visualise the two lines enough. Stupid advice! Grrrrr! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And the app I downloaded tells me my period isn’t due until Monday or Tuesday so it should be all “hope” until then.

And I had a miscarriage two months ago, and that hurt like hell.
– Got some amazing stuff out of it when the dust settled
– Still makes periods seem extra hurtful though.
– Amazing Person said that it’s a sign that Baby is coming through soon. And I have no doubt that he came through for a second or two to stir up some stuff, leave some new settings and circumstances and off he went. Amazing Person also said I had to apologise for an email I sent to sisters over miscarriage-ness. We only listen to the parts of Amazing Person’s advice that we want.

And I did the grieving thing. I swore a lot. I leaked from my eyes and vagina. And swore and raged some more.

And a friend/naturopath is messaging asking me how I’m going and when i want to examine my husband’s sperm count… because he’s not super sensitive about this being his fault already.

And I want to ask him if it is his fault. Is he not visualising the two lines with me?
But omg he was SO excited when we were pregnant. This is not his fault.

And my reaction is to spend money. On kinesiologists. On psychs. On massage therapists. On nutritionists, naturopaths, and healthy people. On people analysing sperm count.  On chocolate and cookies. On other therapists for when I complain that I’m eating too much chocolate and clearly a child cannot come in that environment… On every damn conception-helping device thought up in the last 300 years.

And other people are falling pregnant, having babies, having weeks left with big bellies… I specifically ordered a baby first! And then everyone else on the planet can fall pregnant. Just me, first! Yes, I’ve reread that a thousand times. I know how lame it is.

And you may tell me that the universe makes no mistakes. And I will probably tell you that the universe is stupid. But mostly my lack of letting go is stupid. And this fear of bleeding out of my uterus is stupid. And fear and desperation are stupid. Everything is stupid. But real nonetheless.

How do I ‘adult’? And let go? And stop analysing every breath and sensation? And stop hating on everyone? And how do I get that baby or two or three that I ordered?!


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