I wasn’t offered the job.
I do a lot of substitute / relief teaching at a particular school.
This school went through a decently significant restructure.
The restructure meant that there was new roles for old staff, and new staff for old roles.
But I was not part of that.
Nothing was said to me.
Nothing was offered to me.
And I had a huff-a-luff about that.
[Side note: huff-a-luff = emotional reaction, anywhere from mild discomfort to full on internal chaos, there is a huff-a-luff spectrum 🙂 ]
So I’ve been trying to unpack this huff-a-luff.
I did not express any interest in these positions to the administration.
I don’t really know if I whole-heartedly want one of these (or similar) positions.
And yet, there was still a huff-a-luff.
I realised that it was totally a fear of lack that was the driving force.
- Fear that I won’t get enough money through other avenues. Because there is a lack of money.
- Fear that there won’t be any other positions available in the future. Because there is a lack of positions / opportunities.
- Fear that the banks won’t look at me without one of these positions. Because there is a lack financially, globally, locally and personally.
- Fear that this is indicative of the school’s impression / value of me. Because there is a lack of people powerful enough to have these opinions. AND Because there is a lack within me.
- Fear that I will have to put off having children / won’t have a good work life balance / will not nurture my relationship with my family as much / will have added anxiety ETC ETC ETC… because of lack. Lots and lots (ironically) of lack.
There was this certainty with lack.
That somehow, amongst all of this, lack was the underlying truth.
But it’s not.
It’s really, really not!
What if there is abundance and happiness and growth and opportunity?
What if there is perfection in the ways things line up?
What if there is a ‘plan’ or ‘path’ or some other divine type process?
And then we begin to delve into the lack of fear. Fearlessness.
Isn’t it funny how fearlessness means ‘lack of fear’-ness… but together, ‘fearlessness’ has quite a warrior connotation to it. A powerful, moving, commanding vibe to it.
*insert spontaneous combustions whenever the word is said* 🙂
This is a big thing for me right now.
Fearlessness is about letting go.
Letting go of now, of never, of what ifs and what abouts.
Letting go of hows, whens, wheres and totally whys. Eventually even whats.
Letting go of ideas, programming, beliefs, knowledge, impressions and opinions.
Letting it all go.
So even though I didn’t want the jobs (see how it’s changed already), this innate fear of lack still comes up in a big way.
I think naming it, describing it, and owning it has already taken some of the fear away.
And for me, acknowledging that it is fear, and the feelings of fear may be real (or they may not be) but it doesn’t mean the fear is real.
So just for today, just for now, I’m letting go of that fear. Letting go of the huff-a-luff.
And perhaps stepping into my own space of fearlessness.
I wish for you to join me here.