For no particular reason my heart is pounding somewhere between a thousand butterflies and a thousand war drums beating. My stomach is somewhere between tingly and full on rollercoaster rides. And for no real reason. Baby stuff just comes up, and takes over.
But Baby isn’t any closer.
Well, maybe in the sense that time passing means that all things eventuate… maybe Baby is closer…?
Why isn’t Baby here yet?
And it’s “Baby” and “the baby” rather than ‘baby’ and ‘a baby’ because I feel him. I have seen others see him. He is hanging around. And has been for ages. In my mind it’s a specific baby. A him. Baby.
And like, I mostly have a 50/50 chance at ‘knowing’ a.k.a. guessing the correct sex. So at the risk of embarrassment… I could totally also seem epically enlightened and shit by guessing his gender. His. He. Male.
The Powers That Be said that it would be 3 – 4 months. And that Baby is coming on schedule. His schedule. I added the ‘his’ they referred to him as ‘the child’.
But if I’m honest… they didn’t actually say “you will be pregnant in 3-4 months”. They actually said “this time for you [referring to my huff-a-luff about this and other such life things] will continue for 3-4 months” … with a bit of … “you can actually relax into your time on this planet”… but it’s just… if I just had a date… and confirmation that Baby will be okay… and … like… just… ahhhh!!
And if I’m completely honest… I’ve totally may or may not have tracked the day (to the hour… hypothetically) that is this 3 and 4 months. But what then? Is that conception date? Reveal date? Is it the date from which I can start/keep trying to make a baby? Is that the ‘two-lines-on-baby-revealing-stick’ day? WHAT DOES THIS TIMEFRAME EVEN MEAN?
And I’m going away in November. To the bush. Without my husband. Without civilisation. Will I be pregnant then? Do I need to pack sick-bags? Or pads?
I have my yoga exams also in November. The following weekend I think. Will I have baby brain? Will I be able to sit for that long? [note to self- you’re not going to be 9 months pregnant in 4 months. The sitting shouldn’t be an issue!] But like, how do you know?!
And like, it’s 6 months til Christmas. Does that mean I can do a family reveal as a Christmas present?
And will my Nanna still be alive then? Will I get to tell Nanna that I’m having a baby?
And can I please have some not-for-pregnant-people meds… In actual pain. I swear.
And do you pinky-promise that Arch-Enemy will not be pregnant first?! [Read up on displeasure / hatred here https://raeraegalaxygirl.wordpress.com/2016/04/22/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-just-lost-a-baby-or-in-the-process-of-possibly-loosing-a-baby/ ] Pinky Promise!!
And then, after the Baby thing is locked in… you know… with dates and certainty… Could I then please have certainty for my next list… you know… the one with things such as ‘financial support to raise child’, ’emotional maturity to raise child’, ‘not-too-much-fuck-up-ness to raise child’… You’re right. We have plenty of time to worry about those.
So really, with all of that sorted… just give me the baby already!