I feel weird stabbing pain just at writing that title. Just a dream…
That’s what it is starting to feel like. Or actually that’s what the sudden realisation that I just had – is about.
*Cue eye leakage*
I don’t remember what it was like to be pregnant anymore.
I don’t remember the thoughts about the future or the planning or the organising.
I don’t remember what it feels like to have a baby growing inside of me.
I don’t remember what I said to Baby, or how I spoke to him, or what that felt like.
I don’t remember the certainty or the absoluteness.
I don’t remember what it was like to identify as a parent. A new parent.
I don’t remember pregnant yoga. Or the smile that exploded over my face when I’d re-remembered that I was carrying life inside of me.
I still feel this wild emptiness.
And this attachment to not getting my period.
And I still cry when I think about Baby, or miscarriages, or how bitter I feel with new baby announcements and births.
I still feel the tension from new boundaries and the aftermath of the chaos.
I remember the way my husband asked if it was for real… The two pink lines. And the absolute happiness and contentment as he opened the gifts I’d got him for being a new dad.
They haven’t been put away yet. Just on the shelf next to where he opened them.
I remember being completely unaware of the inconvenience that I’d just woken up a very tired buddy, because she needed to know. Right now.
I remember the squeals as I told a few more buddies.
I still remember the drive to the doctors. The compassionate receptionist. The incredible hug from my husband.
I remember the text my buddy sent me, Please be OK Baby Awesome. As I was getting painkillers, desperately trying not to feel.
I remember my buddy and her husband coming over. Feeding me. Hugging me. Putting words to feelings and states of mess and mush.
I remember the start of calm as I went to yoga the next day. “How’s my favourite yoga mumma?”. I shook my head. I’m losing it. Blood. Clotting. Right now. Still so clearly in denial that my whole world was changing.
Please don’t be just a dream!
Please come back to me Baby.