I just don’t think this level of obsession is healthy.
I’ve been told that I’m torturing myself. But I don’t know how to not.
I’ve heard the cliché of “just stop trying”, and I did, for two months… Now I’m back more intense than before. “It’ll happen when it happens” And I’d be saying exactly the same thing if someone else asked me.
I don’t know what to do. Or how to do it. Or when or why or where or anything else remotely useful right now.
I feel hopeless. Desperately clasping at wet ledges, trying to stop myself from drowning, or falling to my crashing end. There is totally a sense of panic here. A heart gripping sense is panic.
And I hear what everyone has been saying. Relax. Be calm. Let it go. Reframe your thinking. It just feels like you’re asking me not to breathe.
That is how fucking impossible this all feels.
And where to now? Or next?
LIFE, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And how the fuck do I give that to you?