TTC and not breathing. Like, just don’t breathe.

I just don’t think this level of obsession is healthy.

I’ve been told that I’m torturing myself. But I don’t know how to not.

I’ve heard the cliché of “just stop trying”, and I did, for two months… Now I’m back more intense than before. “It’ll happen when it happens” And I’d be saying exactly the same thing if someone else asked me.

I don’t know what to do. Or how to do it. Or when or why or where or anything  else remotely useful right now.

I feel hopeless. Desperately clasping at wet ledges, trying to stop myself from drowning, or falling to my crashing end. There is totally a sense of panic here. A heart gripping sense is panic.

And I hear what everyone has been saying. Relax. Be calm. Let it go. Reframe your thinking. It just feels like you’re asking me not to breathe.

That is how fucking impossible this all feels.

And where to now? Or next?

LIFE, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And how the fuck do I give that to you?

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4 thoughts on “TTC and not breathing. Like, just don’t breathe.

  1. I can relate To what you are saying in this post. You are not alone. I’m following you so I can keep up to date with your journey. You’ve got this!

    Like

    1. Thank you! It means so much to me that you’ve taken the time to reach out and comment, and that your comment is filled with love and connection. Exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. 🙂
      Thank you again friend, I shall keep you posted ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh friend, I’m sorry that you know the feeling! Because I know the pain and anguish that you’ve had to experience first!

      And I’m so sorry that you were doing it alone! It is an incredibly isolating feeling! 😦

      It is actually a relief that you, and others have reached out. Thank you!

      Sending you big love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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