Through this TTC phase of my life I have had two incredibly solid buddies by my side. My support crew. My angels! Today I want to talk about both of them.
Firstly, Empathetic Angel. She has been ridiculously unwavering, funny, heart warming, and always there! Through all the questions. All the worrying. All the exaggerated ‘symptoms’. All the tears. All the blood. All the mood swings. And everything in between. She has been a passionate advocate for hope and excitement – despite the pain and anguish of the crash with periods and miscarriages. She has allowed me space to feel; to think; to do; to experience; to love. She has helped me name feelings and mush of life-changing experiences. She has honoured my obsessions, my fears, my need for control and my need to let go. To have it all come up the next hour, and to start the dialogue again.
Throughout this chaos I questioned if her way was the ‘right way’ for me. It’s chaotic. It’s painful. But maybe it’s not her ‘way’ that is chaotic. Maybe it’s the journey.
When everyone has been telling me to be calm, to pray, to wish, to sleep more, to not wee on the stick and to do all sorts of contradicting unattainable shit, she was quietly in the background… and also loudly in the foreground advocating for me to eat chocolate if that’s what I bloody-well wanted. And I do want to eat chocolate. Okay!
The others are educated, and seem to have life working. They include two psychologists and a spiritual mentor. They are the people that should know what is going on. They are people that I have looked up to in the past.
But it wasn’t real. It wasn’t honouring all the intricate parts of myself that needed to be heard and felt and acted on. I was back to only accepting some parts of myself. The socially acceptable parts. The cautiously hopeful but totally realistic parts. The parts that turned up to work even though my period- that was late – just came, because those parts felt sadness too.
I have learnt that I don’t need to apologise. For myself. For my moods. For my own actions with my own body, working towards my own goal (i.e. how much I do or don’t monitor body temperatures, cervical mucus, cravings, cramping etc). ALSO, and what is SO empowering – is that I am not alone. And I don’t need to be silenced. I can obsess. I can monitor. I can stop. I can start again. I can cry. I can try weird diets and then change my mind again. And I can express the inexpressible with this journey.
I fucking love you.
You are a wise woman, my dear!
I adore you.
Let’s be honest, I practically worship you 🙂
Thank you for your love, your presence, your wisdom, your question answering and your advocating for me. All of me.
I love you!
I am so SO grateful to have you on this journey with me!
Not sure that I’d survive this without you.
The second person I am so super grateful for is Healing Angel.
Now, Healing Angel will tell you that she does nothing, it is all you.
Healing Angel is not special, or talented. Or so she says.
But what Healing Angel does is provides me the space to heal. The love and non-judgement to be yourself. To be real! She is called Healing Angel because she is the one that provides the heart-chakra tea that got our group having a huge deep-and-meaningful one night. She is the one that gives me echinacea and tells me to just drink it. And I did. And I actually got better. Finally. And today, just now, she lead me through this most beautiful healing process that invited my own healing forward, on a sand-tray-journey.
Healing Angel will most probably feel uncomfortable with the term. But that’s fine, because it’s my term for her. And I know that she’s human. And I know that she has crappy days and hates on life and contexts and constructs, like everyone.
But what Healing Angel does do (aside from everything I’ve already mentioned) is offer love. And non-judgement. And she questions all my horrible / destructive self talk. Plus we have epic bitch sessions about some people that we know mutually! Wait, I do that with Empathetic Angel too… hmmmm maybe I find it really bonding to just complain about shitty people 😀
Healing Angel sends love and kind words. She, like Empathetic Angel, honours how incredibly shitty it is that I’m not having the right cramps right *now*. Despite the actual load she has on her plate in the real world.
And it’s not about being the centre of attention. It’s about being loved for being real. And for being real to be acceptable, and the expectation. Where vulnerability is freeing and safe and empowering.
I love you so much!
I love your stories, and your wisdom.
I love all the stuff that you know!!
I love your warmth. And your authenticity.
I am so grateful for your love, and support and healing spaces.
I am so privileged that you have shared some of your truth with me.
I LOVE our chats about how the world works and how it’s changing.
And I love all the loving and kind things you say about me 🙂
Thank you Healing Angel for helping me get in touch with my own healing. You’re an angel. I think the world of you ❤
For everyone on the entire planet, my wish is that you are as loved as I am, and that you find people that advocate for you and your light when you’ve forgotten about it.