I am not as good as I think I am

So, I had this daunting realisation… hence the title.

It first started when I was relief/sub-ing at a school, and another relief teacher walked in. The one teacher who had helped me endlessly already (and it was only just past 8 o’clock), turned to her with a great big smile and said hello.

And I was kind of devastated that I didn’t do that.

I don’t know that I even did that when I was a full time teacher… I don’t know that I ever actually went out of my way to help another teacher or substitute teacher… Like, my mind is screaming at me now. I hope I did. I want to remember that I did. But is that just cognitive and memory bias? Am I as helpful as the help I am so easily wanting from others?

And the list goes on.

Dog training. So good at it that my dog got taken off me and re-homed to someone else. [It was about dog/owner fit. It was a powerful specialist breed with baggage, not b/c of mistreatment]. But like, I judge my friends on their dog training abilities. I tell me friends how to train dogs. I form all sorts of opinions about dog trainers, methods, tools… ahh… why?! Who the heck am I to talk?!

Aunty-ing. I have all the opinions in the world about family, and kids and raising kids and blah, blah, blah. Do you think that my nieces and nephews miss me or see me as a solid part of their lives?? Probably not.

Teaching. Omg. So there are deeper themes running on this one that I want to explore deeper… but like… In my mind, I was always and mostly literally “made to be a teacher” – so why the constant burnout, ineffectiveness, lack of job, lack of miracles?? Maybe… just maybe I’m not as good as I think I am.

Wife-ing. I can be SO critical of my husband. Did you know that I even have a friend who really doesn’t like my husband (the feeling is mutual), so I know who I can call if I need to just bitch. But when he’s working his arse off, in a space that isn’t working for him, so that I can have the freedoms etc that I have… do I step up and take charge when needed? Nope. Tell him I’m overwhelmed and that I need more from him.

Listening. Not-advice-giving. This one irritates the f#ck out of me! Because shitty advice irritates the f#ck out of me. Want to know how much I hate it? Read this incredibly epic angry-rant about advice… that I wrote [be warned, it’s pretty f#cking intense!]… So when a buddy is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted or rejected or any other unpleasant feelings, do I just love on them and listen? Nope. I go into fixer mode and try to fix everything. And how do I do that? With shitty cliques that mean nothing and acknowledge nothing.

Sleeping. Not sure what’s happening with this one.

Friending. I am just such an introvert! I just want to hang out with myself, and fill up my own cup… but like… my cup is the size of a bathtub and it takes a shit load of time, care, rest, and inner love to fill that fucker up. And I really am so excited that you’re about to have a baby. And I am SO sorry that it’s literally been over 9 months since I’ve seen you… it’s just… I’m just empty… a lot.

A yogi. Right now, fuck the desire to be better than I am. Fuck the comparing and competition. Fuck the poses and the lack of strength and the inferiority and just fuck all of it.

Baby making. Not even going into that one. 😥

 Healthy-ness. OMG. I can happily judge you for what you’re eating / drinking / spraying etc etc … but not sure if you’ve noticed my growing fatty-ness. Because it’s there.

Wisdom-sprouting-ness. Like some part of me swears that I am god’s gift to the planet. And I’m just sure that everything I write is pretty freaking important, and/or life changing, possibly both. But like, my ideas aren’t new. They come from other authors and perspectives. I don’t have my own. I’m not trailblazing with some radical ‘the world is actually a sphere‘ bullshit… I’m more the person saying ‘you know, maybe the end of the flat part of the world is rounded… you know, the corner parts’ [whilst the whole world is already accepting that the earth is no longer flat]. Shhhh self. Just shh!

Seeing the bigger picture. I think I’m all perspective-ed and stuff. Nope. I loose my shit over the smallest weirdest stuff. I don’t see how being nice to you because that’s what all humans need is right or easy or good… I get so lost in my own anger and intensity that I believe that you deserve the anger and short-tempered hell I’m sending your way.

 

What am I doing? With myself? With my own accountability… ? With all of this?

And how did all of this happen? How did I become that person that I don’t want to be?

What happened to that perfect little girl with her light and love and pure heart and connection to the world?

 

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