The Great Wall of China. And fear. And non-conception.

[This has nothing to do with China]

I don’t fucking get it! Any of it. Anything. At all.

So in this experience [uterus stuff] I am shedding the old patterning and stuff. So then, the channel asks, would that not include this fear and any inherited maternal patterns?

The channeller invites me to shift my perspective. Instead of maintaining the great wall of china – in terms of energy blockages between my birthmother’s energy and my own… perhaps shift my focus to openness and love for my family (my new family, my family).

She says that it will probably still look like no-contact.

I wonder if that is just because she can see the internal mind-fuck happening when she said ‘shake hands with her’. I get what she is saying. I get the gratitude and shit. But shake hands? Fuck off. See her again? Fuck no. Even be grateful? I don’t know. I know that is was most probably metaphorical. But I can’t get passed that.

And maybe this is why the latest channeling was so shitty.

Internal fuckstorm commenced.

I can hear my control centre sending those actual commands to my mind and body as I type [sarcasm here].

She wasn’t even supposed to come up. She wasn’t on my carefully prepared list of dot point things to discuss. Why did she come up?! Why the internal fuckery? Oh yep, fear, trauma, ptsd, shame, blame, re-ignight. SEE WHY I NEED THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA?!

My body has gone into meltdown since then. Physically. Which I think is a manifestation of the internal chaos. What is interesting is that the chemist and the doctor both said not to take the gastro-stop stuff. I did anyway. It didn’t help. But like, my point is what usually stops this hasn’t stopped this. Again, this is for my body to go through in it’s own time… and if it would politely hurry the fuck up, that would be great.

I feel like I am charging war on all fronts.
Health. Self. Past. Present. Waiting. Future.

And I can’t think properly. I can’t sleep. 345 words in, I can’t even make logical sense yet.

What the actual fuck world?!

And the energy around this, personal power, mothering, etc is held in the womb.

So energetically I am so fucking scared of becoming my mother than I am not letting myself conceive a child yet. I am so scared. So fucking frightened of her. Of becoming her. Of inheriting her. Of hurting like her.

And I guess this has come up because of the perfect timing and such.

I’m sure that the channel and channeller will say that there is nothing to be done here. No action required. This is not fault finding. This is explaining what is.

I hear you. On some surface level bullshit maybe I heard the sounds and pauses that physically produced that sentence in the vibrations of movement in tiny bones inside my ears… but like… no, I don’t hear you. I don’t get it. What am  I supposed to do? With all of this? With all of the ‘not doing anything’ thing? With the internal fuckstorm that hasn’t slowed down?

I’m suffocating here.

 

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