So I kind of went through a
mini little massive break down thing over the last week, regarding the latest channeling that I had.
FYI: channelling is when an entity (called the ‘channel’) speaks through a person (called the ‘channeller’). So like, people that have crossed over, masters, planetary avatars, cosmic energies, ‘angels’, etc come through as channels.
Channelling is entirely natural and completely normal.
It it’s most natural potential, everyone would be channelling their Self… the part of them that knows more, and is more. Their connection to the divine. Their own divinity.
I really like channelling.
I first met a channel when I was in my early 20’s, she was an older woman, almost grandmother age. I went and saw her in about 2009… From then I had a channelling about once a year, maybe sometimes twice…
Last year I went and saw First Person do a joint channeling with Second Person. First Person spoke of her love and admiration for Second Person. That was my introduction to my next channeller. She is younger, big sister/ young aunty age. And her perspective and channel is different to what First Person spoke about. Similarities, and differences.
I had my first personal channelling by Second Person in December last year. Since then I have seen her in February, June and September. Overkill much?
Second Person lets me email them… First Person did as well… which is weird that I’ve just realised that.
I emailed Second Person during my breakdown last week. It wasn’t pretty… as you’ll have seen from my china wall post… I was pretty freaking intense.
I was in full panic mode. Suffocating, can’t breath, can’t see, can’t feel; panic mode.
I asked for clarification for stuff that I didn’t understand -> that I should have asked the channel, but instead, I pretended I understood and then just progressively freaked and freaked out more until I couldn’t handle anything and there was just a massive explosion of chaos inside my head.
So, not that that isn’t fucking with my head enough… (I really tried to not swear, oops!)… but then… she hasn’t emailed back. She always emails back. Why hasn’t she emailed back?!
I emailed her on the 4th of Oct.
Then again on the 7th of Oct, apologising for my intensity.
Still no reply!!
Overanalysing number 1 – if the energy is intense for me, and a lot of people I know; it is possible that the whole planet is going through some intense stuff at the moment – i.e. so is she… i.e. she can’t email because shit is intense for her also. #working #parenting #workingparenting #life-ing
Overanalysing number 2 – I am bad or naughty or rude or impolite for emailing her at all, and/or specifically with swearing and the intensity that I did.
Overanalysing number 3 – anything else at all. Busy. Life. Doesn’t want to. Can’t right now. Etc etc etc
But I’m totally stuck on door number 2.
I’ve internalised the shame and guilt and wrongness of intense emotions and not knowing if I’ve crossed a boundary or not. And I want to ask if I’ve offended her, but then I’ll seem super pathetic and I don’t know…
I have reread both emails hundreds of times. Trying to ask myself why I would send each one? Why not suffer in silence?
I’ve internalised the shame of not knowing or understanding the channelling… maybe I wanted to appear more enlightened and shit, or maybe I just thought I understood in the energy of the room at that time… what did she mean? And who else is there that I can discuss this stuff with?
I go inward. And blame myself. Something must be wrong with me for her not to have replied. I must deserve this silence. She must be teaching me something important with this silence. How freaking pathetic are those ideas and reference points?! Maybe I’m teaching her something with emotions and intensity and emails. (Maybe ego – but like, why not? Why not challenge these weird and damaging beliefs?)
And it’s not even the first person this has happened with. With a teacher at my yoga studio also… I emailed her stuff, and she didn’t reply; after she usually does. Internal “proof of un-deserved-ness” commenced.
I don’t know what to do with this discomfort!
The discomfort of unanswered emails. The discomfort of not understanding the channel. The discomfort of self blame and shame. The discomfort of not knowing all things at all times- is everything actually going to be okay?
And that’s probably the point right now.
Until like Wednesday when I’m heading to acupuncture and kinesiology … because like… discomfort sucks. And screw discomfort!