Completeness and perfectness.
A very dear buddy of mine is going through a life changing event.
A horrific, hopefully once-in-a-lifetime whole change of identity fuck-storm.
[I know that most of the planet is too, I know this is the time for that]
And as I scroll through these messages of love and support and god-damn advocacy for my buddy, I felt a bit disappointed that I didn’t have such wise words. Such insightful wisdom.
I realised that I have no idea what she is going through.
And, as heartbreaking as it is, I honestly hope that I never do.
Childhood trauma. Heartbreak. Death. Domestic Violence. Narcissism. Physical Abuse. Sexual Assault. Lost babies. I got that. I get that.
I can go into the depths of my soul and feel what you are feeling. I can hear what you are saying between your silences and hesitations. I can articulate the pain and desperation. I can offer this gut wrenching empathy – because I get it. Innately, and completely.
What she is going through… I don’t get.
And part of me wants to be that person for her, and for everyone almost. That person that gets stuff. That knows stuff. That validates and legitimises. That understands and loves. I want to be her knight-in-shinning-armour.
But I’m not.
And that’s okay.
I see it, so clearly. Every experience we have, that we choose to truely engage with, that brings us to our knees, is part of us. It shapes our identity, and moulds our belief systems. It challenges our world view and all this faith we have put into this convoluted world we find ourselves in.
And I see how you begin – starting out at this incredibly painful, ridiculously scary and incredibly overwhelming experience. This thing that no-one has told you about. This thing that clearly wasn’t on the agenda or prospective life plan. This thing that was purposefully left off the life agenda. This thing.
So you reach out. You find an incredible support network of brave warriors and survivors who have trekked these lands before you. You may never have known had you not reached out. You are in awe of their strength and wisdom, and most of all, the incredible light they hold, to illuminate this darkness. Because it is dark.
And as you find your way, you begin to discover this light that is with you. Constantly. Following you. Slowly growing stronger. It is actually inside of you. And it always has been. This light helps you to lighten your load and illuminate this path. Your path, through this. And with this light that you so willingly and deservedly hold – you become a lighthouse for the next person who is stepping onto this tumultuous and scary journey.
And you reach out to them, with the purity of perfection and the completeness of understanding, you enable them to start to see their light, inside of them.
I realise that I can’t be that for you, my dear friend. No matter how much I love you. [Which is so ridiculously lots!]
But that it isn’t a bad thing, my lack of knowledge on this. It’s a perfect thing. This is for her to do. For some reason, it is not on my path, at this time. And that’s okay. The universe chooses to express another facet of life through me. No better, no worse, just different.
And I’m honoured to be able to witness such a brave soul taking on such a profound journey. I see the selflessness in it, because I know that this will infinitely multiply the compassion she already illuminates. What a brave, brave, selfless soul! What a god-damn saint!!
So I am stepping back my dear.
Knowing that I am cheering ceaselessly for you, and advocating for you any and every way I can. Knowing that I will do anything and everything that I can to help you during this painful time, and at all times.
I see the light in you that you have forgotten about. And it is so unspeakably beautiful!