Post surgery follow up appointment

Trigger warning. This discusses rape.

So, like… 

Pain. The same pain as before the surgery. The surgery that was supposed to remove the pain. That surgery. Same pain. 

“Could develop into infertility. So then there isn’t much that can be done now.”

This is my life. What do you mean, not much you can do?!!

“Actually, the only thing really known to cure this is having a baby”

Oh right, that baby that I’m desperately trying to conceive at the moment? The baby that is driving me to the ends of sanity and back as I confront every god damn darkness from my whole entire existence, on this convoluted baby mission. That baby? 

“In the meantime we can possibly manage it with The Pill, to help reduce symptoms”

But that goes directly against the whole trying for a baby thing. That thing that you just said! 

“You have quite an extensive pelvic infection. Three different antibiotics; strong”.

Hmmm, okay. How does one get such an infection? 

“STIs actually, probably. We’re not always sure”

Wait, what?! Are you actually fucking kidding me? 

So not only was the psychological trauma of being raped… a huge fucking deal. Then there was the obviously physiological trauma. Apparently a lot deeper and pervading than originally thought. Literally.

It’s been more than 10 years!

 More than 10 years and I still want to add: sober, public place, tight jeans. 

More than 10 years and I still feel the shame and complete loss of power.

More than 10 year and I still cry if the lighting isn’t right, and a flashback is triggered.

More than 10 years and I still shut down when it comes to men discussing problems or solutions or anything else related to my vagina, uterus, and/or any other reproductive organs.

More than 10 years and I can still feel myself hanging on, desperately begging it to stop.

More than 10 years and this person’s one set of actions, on one day, are still affecting me. Physiologically. Psychologically. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally… How can this still pervade my existence?!

It’s been more than 10 years, and yet, here I am.

What the actual fuck life. 

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