Baby was due today.
Today was the day that I was supposed to be birthing a baby.
Or be very close to it.
Or have only just done it.
Today is also Wolf Woman’s birthday.
That’s two deaths to commemorate, on one day.
My biggest two deaths, in one day.
And I feel like I’m dying here. Bad analogy. I get that.
I was supposed to go to the beach. The same beach that Wolf Woman and I spent time at, during Christmas… her last Christmas… but we didn’t know it would be her last one. It wasn’t supposed to be her last Christmas!
I was going to go there.
Maybe for sunrise.
I didn’t make it.
I just opened a pinterest link about “Breathing Baby Out, Instead of Pushing”.
Today. On this day. OMG.
What is wrong with me!
I was supposed to go to the beach.
I might still go there.
I don’t know.
It’s over an hour away.
So that’s two hour travel.
Maybe half an hour there??
What would I do there?
Just cry on my own?
Some lighting candle thing?
Total fire ban. Epic heat.
Very hot 2 hour drive.
The beach doesn’t have any particular meaning for Baby.
It does, obviously for Wolf Woman and I.
Maybe not even her, though.
What am I supposed to do?!
Should I know how I want to spend today?
Should I have already planned it out?
Am I bad ‘mother’ for not knowing?
Maybe I will still go to the beach after my husband get’s home from work.
But we’ll miss sunset.
And it’ll just be crying in the dark.
But in that scenario, I’m not on my own.
I am really over being so alone in this grieving thing.
My other plan was to be super busy with all of this house stuff.
Cleaning. Lots and lots of cleaning.
But I’m in bed.
Exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.
I have no idea how to process this. Or move through it.
I have no idea how to do life today.
And maybe time is an illusionary concept.
And maybe the day, today, has no meaning at all.
How the fuck do you let go of people you don’t want to let go of?
What send off, or acknowledgement or memorial fits this occasion?
How about the whole entire world pausing for three minutes silence. And then release one dove. The whole entire would watching. Silently. Then crying, for every lost baby. Because I lost my baby. I can’t find Baby anywhere. And that’s really sad!