Period processing and plans for moving forward.

With the latest arrival at ‘Cycle Day One’ aka period, blood, heartbreak and such… I had planned a bit of back-up plan to help me through.

Firstly, breakfast with my favourite. Meal-off from my eating plan, and boy did I milk it! Ice-cream for breakfast is totally a thing. Especially for heavy hearts. It was SO nourishing- to fill up my love cup with someone that I absolutely adore! Despite both of us being decently unwell… it was just what I needed.  Thank you, Dear Friend, for your effort (to get there), and love (as always), and time (with different schedules and such).

Secondly, I have made an appointment with another Kinesiologist. Mine is good. But I had the feeling that it was time to move on for a few weeks or so… anyway in my latest session with her an “alien entity” came up. Kinesiology people might know more about that term than I do… Not going to lie, totally hoped that alien was going to be in my arms in about 8 more months. Nope. Apparently this is an energetic alien. So she recommended a peer of hers that specialises in that kind of removal/adjustment. So that appointment is set for next week – despite me yet to talk to this new person. But it’s set up, and it’s happening, so that is helpful and something to look forward to.

Thirdly, an astrology reading with someone I have followed on the book of faces for a while.

But that was complicated.

I booked a decently short session – because I only had one question. Babies. Date. A date for babies.

It was complicated because I don’t understand astrology. I don’t know what I expected… actually, I expected someone to do an epic reading of the stars, and tell me what that meant for me. But I had expected that in simple everyday language.

I hadn’t had an astrology reading before. I was not prepared for all the details. Which really seems redundant now that I’ve had my first experience! The details overwhelmed me with planets in signs and rising or not and how many degrees etc. I was totally unprepared for details.

How do I feel after it? I feel desperate. Like, desperate to know more – what would she have shared if I hadn’t made it all about babies? And desperate to integrate this knowledge into my other knowledge about babies and planets and influences on humans… But it’s not integrating. I

And I got a date. That is what I wanted, more than anything.
“I would be really surprised if it hasn’t happened by May 2018”

MAY 2018?!
More than a YEAR away?!

Is that the date for conception? Or the date of birth?
Because even though it’s a date – what now?

So if it is a birth in 2018 – then conception around August-ish. So do I put all of my crazy out of mind until then? Because what if I don’t conceive then? Then comes the fall to rival all falls.

A date takes pressure, and adds pressure.

It takes pressure because I don’t know how to keep going through the constant TTC waiting, wanting, sexing, waiting, wanting, crying, thing.

It adds pressure because I have been given dates in the past. I got a date for Baby, and that all lined up, except for an actual human baby at the end of it. That’s a pretty major part of the date to not line up. I had a date after Baby, and that didn’t happen. But I did find the things that lead to surgery from that date…

And with this date… what if it is only the conception date? How on earth am I supposed to keep going for another 15 more months of TTC? So 24 months until a baby? How on earth am I supposed to go for 2 YEARS of still wanting this?

I am desperately begging myself to let this go. To let go of the desire and attachment and wanting and all of that bullshit – because frankly, it would be a hell of a lot easier.

So new kinesiologist-dude next week.

Then maybe naturopath herbs… then what? I don’t know! Is there any point? I don’t know that either! Do I believe in the date? I still haven’t decided! Because miracles can happen can’t they?

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