I can’t today.
And I don’t know why.
Shall we blame the anxiety, or the overwhelm?
Shall we blame the journey, or the dates?
Shall we blame perceptions, or the lack of innate knowing?
I just think that something to blame would make this a bit easier right now.
And I don’t know what that is about.
The need to blame or understand or comprehend.
Although I’ve been that way since before I can remember.
The comprehending, at least… hopefully not the blaming, but maybe they’re linked.
Everything is wholly and completely baby related today.
I had this moment where I was browsing through photos of mothers about to give birth, very much in the process of giving birth, or had only just finished giving birth.
To be fair, I’m really not sure why I do this to myself.
It was beautiful! All of the photos. They were breathtaking, humbling and awe inspiring. Slightly scary. Totally perfect.
As I browsed the photos I felt a sadness.
I felt sad that my child won’t have a grandmother. Someone desperately wanting, hoping, and loving; all before the child takes their first breath.
I felt sad that I won’t have a mother – to guide me through the motherhood transition. To hold me, or comfort me during the slightly daunting experiences of complete transformation.
Why this alone-ness?
My period is due.
My period is due on Saturday.
Over in the land of Aus, today is Thursday.
Thursday, aka today is cycle day 27.
My last 3 cycles have been exactly 28 days.
In fact, my average cycle length for the whole entire year is 28 days.
28.08 days to be exact.
The longest was 30 days.
I need to not have a 30 day cycle.
My period should come on Saturday.
The positive thing about having my period come on Saturday, apart from the wine and painkillers, is that it means that I am not-late. The problem with being late is the inherent excitement that will just naturally be decently all consuming. The problem of that, being the ‘inevitable fall’ I’m really in a pessimistic spiral here, I can hear it too.
The problem with my period coming on time, and thus on Saturday – is that it is the anniversary of my miscarriage. One whole year. Since the worst imaginable pain and grief and shock. Getting my period, bleeding, on that day, will be hard.
One. Fucking. Year.
anniversary plans and non-plans
So. Right. I have this gorgeous plan to create a garden out of this pile of rubble and rubbish. Metaphorical elegance anyone?
But it’s hard! Who knew planting and plants were so expensive.
Who knew convincing husband’s to come plant shopping was so difficult.
Who knew husband’s needed so much detail before being ‘okay’ with this planned creation. Wait. I did know that.
Who knew there are so many plants out there!
Who knew how hard it would be trying to do this with a budget and heart?!
Because in my heart, my baby deserves sparkles and glitter and beauty and awe. With windy paths and hidden features. Smiles from above, and dangling happiness. When my budget says that we might be lucky to get some garden edging to stop the grass.
I am craving hot chips. Actually any chips. Which isn’t a pregnancy craving. It’s an emotions craving. Emotions indicate periods.
My head is working four-hundred miles an hour. Not the dazed/ditzy baby-brain I was hoping for.
I am not sick in any way. I have no cramping or tender-ness. I am just shitty and crabby and emotional. Oh wait, some form of something resembling pre-cramping? Psychosomatic? Who knows these things!
My “spare room” is now vacant
Which is maybe a good thing??
But at least when there was a bed in there, we could pretend we weren’t so invested in this baby-making thing. Now it just looks like an empty room. To match my empty uterus.
Serena Williams is pregnant.
Which is completely wonderful!
She won a major title – whilst pregnant.
In her first trimester.
She was deemed number 1 in the whole entire world… whilst carrying her first offspring.
And my period is due and I am having a cry about the world.
Meanwhile she is taking on the world. Pregnant!
Baby-Blasts from the past.
I just caught up with someone I hadn’t seen in almost 5 years!!
She would actually baby sit me when I was a little tiny person myself.
I caught up with her today.
And as with these past blasts, comes news of all the pregnancies of all our mutual acquaintances. Of which, quite frankly, there is way too fucking many.
Epic Bitch is pregnant. So is her sister! Yay. One month apart!! How wonderful.
Apparently being nice to actual human beings isn’t a pre-requisite to falling pregnant. It really should be.
This person from that place, and that person from this place. Babies. All of them.
Second babies. Little brother babies. Big cousin babies. First grandchild babies. Everyone.
And my period is due.
Every one is pregnant. And I get my fucking period.
So today is just a day when everything is adding up exponentially. It is just one of those not-so-good (aka extremely shitty) days on this not-so-fun (aka extremely shitty) journey towards (is it towards? is there movement towards?) being a mother.