What would I say to me?

Keep breathing. That’s what I would say.

One breath at a time. 

And then, rather incessantly… It’s okay, I’m okay, Baby is okay. It’s okay, I’m okay, Baby is okay. It’s okay, I’m okay, Baby is okay. 

I have a baby.

I am pregnant.

At least according to the non-existent period, and the 6 different pregnancy tests.

5 weeks, yesterday.

and I am scared!

 

I know that miscarriages happen.

I know that they happen without warning or reason or purpose.

I know that they suck.

 

I don’t know where miscarriages fit into my understanding about the world. And because I cannot slot them in somewhere, I cannot be sure it will not happen.

 

How are things different this time? I have no idea.

 

And there is no deservedness or merit in this. Because I see you, survivors. There is no past actions or sins or deeds that could ever have amounted to anyone deserving the pain you are feeling, or impossibility of grappling with the enormity of what you have lost.

 

It is out of my hands, nonetheless.

 

Unless I believe the mother-shaming I’ve already received “you need to calm down, I’ve seen babies not develop properly due to mother stress”.

 

I just desperately want you to be okay, my baby. And to join me in this world. With your gorgeous daddy.

All of you. As your daddy would correct me. He’s sure there is almost definitely twins. Or triplets. Or probably quadruplets. He is a gorgeous type of dag!

 

Whoever you are, however many of you there are, I love you.

With my whole heart.

 

It’s okay. I’m okay. Baby is okay.

We got this.

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4 thoughts on “What would I say to me?

  1. Holy crap! Congratulations! Here’s my take on the whole stress thing: Women all over the world get pregnant and stay pregnant every day under some VERY awful, long-term stress situations. Your anxiety will most likely not have a single effect on your baby. So, of course you want to be non-stressed and serene, because, you know, that’s way more pleasant, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t manage it. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kitten, i love this, thank you!

      And it’s something I’ve been holding onto. Also mother/woman blaming is so entrenched it’s ridiculous!!

      And besides I’m physiologically wired to have more eye leakage due to hormones and such, so… Begone silly doctor!

      🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. thank you so much for the follow! and I am awed by your bravery and honesty. And yes: don’t put pressure on yourself about how you “should” be feeling. YIPES. it’s all here for a reason, yes? and it’s normal to feel dizzy looking out into All That Is. Moving right along…..

    Liked by 1 person

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