My question of the day is – at what point does spiritual and personal responsibility interplay? At what point is spiritual perception just a highjack of personal responsibility? And at what point is personal responsibility a highjack of spiritual perception?
This is a *processing life* post.
You are welcome to join me as I try and sort out some mush in my mind!
Also, a disclaimer from those who know better than I, but whose understanding of the world I often subscribe to: responsibility has been used as an external control system to limit personal freedom.
— That’s playing around in the back of my mind. In case it’s relevant later on, here it is for future reference.
My teaching contract didn’t get renewed for next year, at my current school.
I didn’t even make it into the “pool” of applicants from which they would draw from should they have any future / unexpected / etc staffing needs (for the next 12 months).
I am so conflicted by this.
- I have been quite open about my discontent with the education system (on here anyway). I don’t even know if I want to teach. But I would have liked the option. (Cake and eat it too anyone?)
- I am pregnant, and don’t know how much time I would need or could afford to have off of work. Although discriminating against me because I am pregnant is supposed to be illegal.
- I have concerns about the administration, the leadership and some internal bullying that happens (Sour grapes anyone?).
- I haven’t had any issues raised with me about my performance, presentation or participation from my performance management meetings or informal discussions with administration. No-one has raised any concerns with me at all, except my assistant who didn’t agree with how intricately I followed a psychologist’s recommendations about one of my students.
So where is the conflict coming from?
I want to be wanted. I want to be valued. I want to be recognised for the incredibly hard class and year I have had, and the work I have done to not only keep my head above water – but to reach educational outcomes for these little people.
I have taken it very personally that I wasn’t successful.
Is it personal?
Is me searching for personal responsibility denying my personal belief that there are forces beyond the human mind that can influence our experiences.
Could it be that I have a new opportunity awaiting me?
Could it be that it wasn’t “meant to be”?
Could it be that ‘spiritually’, I wasn’t right for the school, or the school wasn’t right for me, so now something more appropriate to life goals / plans / purpose is on the cards?
And at what point is all of that not just a cop-out?
At what point is it the “everything happens on time/for a reason” idea (which I do subscribe to a majority of the time) just become a deflection for lack of personal responsibility and ownership?
At what point does it become – Galaxy Girl – you are a shit teacher – you need to get better ?? At what point is this stuff an indication of a deficit or a weakness or even an “opportunity to learn”… and at what point do I just walk away? Also if someone could just freaking tell me what it is about me that is shit – or not-employable, that would be great!! There must be a reason. Something. Anything!
Or is it a matter of just not being good enough? Always having someone who has done more, seen more, achieved more? How do I compete with that? Especially when I don’t have a job to ‘compete’ in – I don’t even have an entry ticket to the competition.
Or am I being lead/forced by some epic divine force? Is this all on point, and perfect? Am I a chess piece being moved for “my own good”? Am I directing the move? Is the move needed or wanted or relevant? Because I would just really like some forewarning. Or some dot points about what’s happening. Colour coded dot points. Is that too much to ask?! :S
So I am not sure where I am at with all of this.
I am hoping that some days and distance will provide some perspective. Hopefully.
Any ideas anyone?
Also I am totally not looking forward to still working for them until the end of the year. Not awkward at all! OMG and all the extra work commitments, oh far out!