I am rebelling against the system. Rebelling against all the voices in my head that have come from countless friends and strangers and good intentions. Voices that tell me my baby should sleep for longer, and more often and most of all alone.
Today I tried.
Because I wanted to.
Because to-do lists are increasing and I’m trying to prove that I’ve got everything under control.
For 10 minutes.
My hand was on your belly as I rocked you gently.
You were excited by the novelty. And the patterns the sun shade made. You delighted in the colours and combinations when I covered the sun shade in another blanket, trying to encourage quiet and non-excitement.
It was 10 minutes. 10 minutes of me wondering if I was doing something wrong. Now, because I was listening to those judging voices in my head. Or previously because this concept was clearly a new experience. Was I encouraging you to be dependent on me, or safe and secure in your knowledge of me? Was I teaching you something, anything, the wrong thing? Because honestly, how much teaching can happen with a 5 month old baby? Especially when the teaching is of external goal posts from an external system that clearly isn’t functioning.
You didn’t cry.
But you did start to wiggle.
Your I’m-frustrated wiggle,
Your I-need-help wiggle.
I picked you up.
Frustrated with the voices, frustrated with myself for listening.
Lunch and the washing can wait. I have a previous bubba who needs to sleep in my arms. Right now.
I picked you up.
And we cuddled.
And you slept.
Within moments. For an hour. Loving nourishing sleep.
And I know how lucky I am, to have my precious sleeping bubba in my arms.