I realised that I have been holding onto my grief as a self proclamation or self righteous judgement on myself and the world around me. "Look at me!" I said, whilst holding the intangible. "It still hurts, if anyone is wondering" But they weren't wondering. If I just held tight enough, it might express how much … Continue reading Releasing Proclamations and Obsessions of Grief
My husband and I have a regular Netflix and Hang-out date night thing going on. It sounds like the usual Netflix and Chill thing, without the need to be dressed up or groomed in any way. We regularly watch relatively un-offending series with great passion and dedication. It's our relationship's specialty. And as a result we look … Continue reading Why I needed to both see and not-see that miscarriage on TV.
My niece (cousin), my gorgeous, innocent, angelic, 9 year old niece, is taking her lastbreaths. And it is that once in a life time thing that you wish you never experience. You hope you never understand this. Because this is paradigm shifting. In what world is it fair, or even just ok for a lively, … Continue reading My baby, and your baby’s funeral.
I can't today. And I don't know why. Shall we blame the anxiety, or the overwhelm? Shall we blame the journey, or the dates? Shall we blame perceptions, or the lack of innate knowing? I just think that something to blame would make this a bit easier right now. And I don't know what that … Continue reading the not-so-good day
I just folded Baby's little jumpsuit. And I put the bibs in the draw underneath. I threw out the tissue paper I had wrapped them in, when I gave them to my husband. I kept the gift bag though. I hadn't touched them since I had hidden them away. After probably a month of … Continue reading Making space. Literally.
Baby was due today. Today was the day that I was supposed to be birthing a baby. Or be very close to it. Or have only just done it. Today. Today is also Wolf Woman's birthday. That's two deaths to commemorate, on one day. My biggest two deaths, in one day. And I feel like … Continue reading Due date. Without the baby.
I don't know what it was that I was thinking about when I realised that I needed to talk to you about it. Before I re-remembered all-over-again, that you are gone. Almost two and a half years ago, gone.