Could you be just as disappointed in… you know… my abuser?!

*trying to write this a second time - because the words aren't coming out properly* My brother is getting married. Which is delightful. He has been with his girlfriend for probably almost 8 or 9 years now. They have always been together, and whenever I see them, it's together. She reminds me of a female … Continue reading Could you be just as disappointed in… you know… my abuser?!

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Saying abuse is a gift, is bullshit.

No, just no! Every single thing I ever did - was not good enough. Every achievement, every award, every certificate or passing praise. In private. It was never good enough, in private. In public it was soaked up for all it was worth. Praise given to me was like an intravenous drip straight into her … Continue reading Saying abuse is a gift, is bullshit.

flashbacks and non-forgiveness

TW: discussion of NM and rape. I go through these times in my world, usually after particular triggers, where I find myself needing to tell my story. The abusive past, story. The story of surviving as a daughter of a narcissist. The continued experience with complex post traumatic stress (C-PTSD) story and how it can … Continue reading flashbacks and non-forgiveness

Bipolar, Narcissism and a birth mother.

So someone I love dearly, has suggested that my birth mother* was/is bipolar rather than narcissistic. *'birth mother' is used here, uncapitalised, despite her being the only parent I knew of until adult life. She birthed me, and raised me. Birth mother puts distance into that, there is less socially constructed guilt around not having … Continue reading Bipolar, Narcissism and a birth mother.

Death. With narcissism and trauma and miscarriage in the background.

I don't want to accept that your inner child was breaking down today. Because I'm not okay with your behaviour. --> Plus I still have epic anger and resentment at you leaving me with NM whilst you fucked off out of there... But sure, let's play happy families.

It was child abuse.

I need to repeat that to myself. Again. It was child abuse. I am rereading forums, blogs, quotes and other text about narcissistic mothers. Like trying to remind myself of this journey that I have already been on. To reveal these truths I have already uncovered. I remember asking my birth-mother what her favourite age … Continue reading It was child abuse.

The deepest light. And the truth to find it.

"You want a baby to feel complete." Well fuck. And as much as I try to be like, yeah, yep that's true and let's all move on, I'm brought straight back at this, to stare it in the face. I had a wonderful channel, from an amazing and talented channeller. It only lasted just over 10 minutes, … Continue reading The deepest light. And the truth to find it.